Day 9: Smile

Some people are naturally more outgoing and socially enthusiastic than others.  I am not one of those people.  I try to be kind to others, make small talk with clerks, listen to my friends, and generally be pleasant.  However, I am not an over-the-top, shoulder clapping, fist bumping, wink-and-a-nod kind of person.  I smile when I feel happy or when I am trying to pretend to feel happy.  Today, I am going to look people in the eye and smile at them.  No need for pretend enthusiasm or faked friendship, just a simple smile.  (See below for the epiphany that brought on this step)

Look below for how NOT to smile

Smile at people - friends and strangers alike.   

When I was at the library yesterday, someone I didn't know looked right at me but didn't even appear to see me.  It took me a few steps to realize that, as I walked by them, I lowered my head and tried to pretend like I didn't exist.  This person had somehow made me feel insecure about who I was and what I was doing.  They projected an air of superiority.  The weird thing?  It was a teenager.  The worst part?  I am an experienced teacher.  But somehow in this setting everything changed a little.  I didn't know this kid, I wasn't a teacher at their school.  I was just some random person walking by them while they went about their life. 


While I was inside and waiting for my son to finish up, I found myself thinking about the oddness of that interaction.  Specifically, I thought about how many times people look past each other and the message that it sends.  When it comes down to it, all of us (child, teenager, college student, adult) are just trying to get through our days.  We all have our own sets of pressures and sources of pain to deal with while we have to continue to meet our social obligations.  Sometimes that transpires by us pretending to not see one another, to treat strangers with disinterest or even disdain, to color our interactions through our own sense of self-importance or pain.  The truth is that we are all trying to be happy - even if our means of happiness tend to differ.  

I resolved to take this step as a start to correcting that problem.  I will look at people - friends and strangers alike - and smile.  I will try to remember they are just doing their best be make it through their day.  I don't want to be the reason that someone else drops their head or feels as though they are intruding on my life.  Sometimes my joy will be the cause of a smile, at other times let my smile be the cause of someone's joy.  

Smiles to watch our for:

I REALLY like your car, your purse, and that ring

You are so HILARIOUS even though you didn't say anything. 

Love me, please?  please.  PLEASE!

Hey there.  Let's get to know each other. 

I am tired of smiling at people as though I like them. 

Hey, you make me light up inside (save for people you know)

I want to smile, but I am scared you will hit me

Who are you and why I am here?

REFLECTION:

Day 8: Fold it Together

I am miles away from being able to pay back all of my student loans.  One of my goals is to start getting this situation under control.  It would be easy to focus on the more immediate goals I feel confident in reaching, while sweeping this one under the rug.  My stomach hurts, my pulse races, and I start to sweat when I think about all of the money I owe.  This is compounded by the fact that I had to leave a steady job when my family relocated and now am unable to find work.  But doing nothing isn't going to get me any closer to paying them off.  So today's Simple Step is to......

Create a set of folders for school loans (or other debt)

(Just making folders today - not putting anything in them)

My focus is on school loans, but this should work with any kind of debt.  Once I start making files and folders, I tend to be very specific about content and order.  It will not help to just have a folder labeled "school loans" or "medical bills" or "debt".  That will just become a warehouse for papers and not achieve much.  I hope to organize either by lender or by amount intervals; loans under $1000, loans between 1K and 5K, and loans greater than 5k.  This will allow me to see where I should start in the payment process.  Also, having a level of organization in place will be useful when I finally am in a position to contact the lenders about repayment.   

Special Note:  I am EXTREMELY anxious about debt.  I will generally not answer the phone when lenders call as I am quickly and easily reduced to tears and anxiety attacks that leave me unable to cope with conversations, interpersonal interactions, even simply being in the room with other people (these can last from a few minutes to a few hours).  Taking ANY step towards addressing my debt is likely to leave me feeling icky inside.  

I shouldn't feel ashamed; I earned top grades in college, receiving awards and scholarships, and was selected into an elite post-college teaching program.  I worked incredibly hard at excelling at my job as well as attending to the needs of my family and home.  I don't use credit cards, I don't shop for fun, I don't spoil myself.  No one who knows me would say I live a lavish lifestyle.  I haven't purchased a television in over 10 years.  I get my hair cut once a year.  When I buy new clothes, I do so at thrift stores.  I bake bread and make lunches.  Eating out, a movie, bowling, etc are the types of things that happen infrequently.  

So why am I still in debt?  It takes a lot of money to support a house and a child every month.  Added to that is the cost of paying off and maintaining our one car.  Life is simply expensive and not getting any cheaper. 

REFLECTION:

Day 7: Walk it Out

I know that exercise is important.  Of course I know that.  From time to time I even get excited and go out and ride my bike or try to do an exercise video.  Let me be honest and say that those times occur way less frequently than they should.  What can I say?  I have not fallen on the bandwagon of exercise as the be-all-end-all of how I want to spend my time.  I LIKE to sit quietly and read, take a nap, or play a game.  While playing games with my family does help build relationships, reading soothes my soul, and napping is just plain awesome - not exercising alongside of them has hurt my health.  Time to take a simple step (actually a whole bunch of them) to start turning my health around. 

Walk out the door, keep walking for 7 minutes, turn around, walk home. 

No special outfit required, no playlist for the ipod, I don't even need to wear special shoes (although comfortable ones are better).  The steps I take when I walk out the door aren't about getting an aerobic workout; they aren't even really about exercise.  This is about remembering to move.  I know that if I think about it as a "workout" day, I am more likely to find a reason to postpone or ignore it all together.  I just have to run an errand - I walk out the door and walk for 7 minutes, take a look around to see where I ended up, then turn around and head for home.  When I walk in the door I won't need a hit of oxygen, I won't be throwing up from exertion, I probably won't even be sweaty. 

Maybe I will use that time to think about where all of these simple steps are taking me.  I could ask someone to go with me and use that time to listen to them talk about their day.  I might even just walk along and let my brain zone out - I won't know until I do it.  

Reflection:

Day 6: Pay it Forward

I believe in Karma.  Or if it makes it easier, I believe in physics.  Newton's Third Law of Motion states (in overly simplified terms) that if one body acts upon another, and by this action changes the motion of the other, the acting body will experience an equal change in motion provided neither of the bodies are obstructed by other forces. Let me extrapolate that to the idea of Karma.  If I am kind to another person, and this kindness has a positive impact on the other person it will likewise have a positive effect on me.  This kindness will continue to have a positive effect (albeit a sometimes subconscious one) until another person or situation arises in which either another positive or perhaps a negative action will alter the emotional path again.  
 

Preform three random acts of kindness.  

Let me try summarizing it in terms of an anecdote.  I was walking out of the grocery store when I noticed several manila envelopes addressed in large writing sitting on a counter.  I asked the young woman standing there if she had addressed them.  When she answered that she had, I told her I thought she had beautiful handwriting.  She thanked me and as I walked on by I noticed she had a big smile.  I felt good (I guess because I had done something nice) and that feeling prompted me to then hold the door for someone who was on their way inside.  The warm fuzzies stayed with me right up until someone cut me off as I tried to turn out of the parking lot.  All good things must come to an end, but why not keep the happiness flowing from one person to the next as long as possible.  

Reflection:

Day 5: "Open", Says Me

I am an organized person.  As a matter of fact, attention to detail and organization is one of my most valuable skills....kind of.  I have a highly organized kitchen pantry, my recipe books are categorized by content and primary ingredients, even my closets are easy to navigate and I can tell you which shelf and side on which to find almost any object.  However, I have my little secret bastions of clutter that weigh me down.  Today's simple step is towards clearing up some of that mess.  

Open a drawer/cabinet/closet/emotional hidey hole, take stock of all the junk, and then throw away three things.

Random junk drawer picture from internet; it has so much better stuff than mine. 

 I have several storage tubs of "memories" in the basement that ought to be cleaned out, but this is not what I mean by today's step.    Today is for taking an easy approach - a quick survey of what is there and then deciding (three times) that I can let go of something.  I intend to apply today's step to a load of junk that sits within a kitchen drawer just next to my back door.  I don't plan to pull the whole drawer out and clean it (honestly - I won't have to because I love my kitchen and I rarely let it get that bad).  What I will do is open it up, find three things I can do without and throw them away, close the drawer and get on with my day. 

My thoughts at this moment seem "enlightened" and since I spent so much time yesterday ranting about the advise of the "experts" I feel mildly embarrassed about my insights today.  Yet, I will forge on as this little epiphany is likely to vanish completely if I don't make a record of it.  I have cleaned and dumped before only to allow more stuff to fill up the space at a later date.  I am speaking both literally and metaphorically.  I have a tendency to pack stuff away, clean it out, feel so good about the extra space, and then rationalize keeping some more precious items because I have room for them.  (until I clean it out, feel good.....repeat cycle).  I do the same thing emotionally.  I will have some crazy purge where I think and mope about life, cry about everything, decide to be a better person, take a few positive steps, fail a few times, and start hoarding failures.  (until I have a good cry, make better choices......repeat cycle).  I want to say that this time is different, but only time will tell.  If I have enough gumption later in the day, I might try to look in my heart and find three simple things that cause me pain and see if I can throw them away as well. 

Reflection:
This step took less than three minutes.  I threw away four random napkins that had seen better days, a bottle cap, and some small strips of no-skid liner that were left over from when I lined my cabinets.  

Day 4: Cut it Out

Today's tip is culled from one of the multiple "experts" that preach to us via the internet, talk-show circuit, morning programs, or self-help books.   (Scroll down to read my rant about these "experts" and their advice.)  Any number of these tips includes some version of "quit your behavior."  So today I plan to take the following simple step:

Cut out some negative aspect of the day.

 My intention is to cut out some tiny little thing that contributes to one or more of my overall bad habits.  Maybe today I will cut out part of a food portion; maybe leave a bite or two of everything on my plate.  Perhaps I could cut out the part of my day where I read comments on news stories that leave me worried about the people with whom I share this world.  Of course, I might be able to cut out the habit of throwing the mail on the table without even looking at first.  You'll notice I am not pledging to do anything positive in place of whatever I cut out - maybe that will happen as a pleasant little bonus or maybe it won't.  I probably should have cut out all of the time and attention I put into writing the rant below.  Alas, I am not perfect or I would not be here.

RANT:
Have you ever notices how these "experts" speak down to us in their slow rhythmic patter reassuring us that everything they say is reasonable and easy to accomplish?  It is as if they believe we are too stupid or foolish not to follow the simple "rules" they have used to attain their "perfect" lives.  For example, one "expert" provides a list of tips for losing weight that includes ideas such as "eat low fat, exercise, and don't overeat."  Gee - why haven't I ever thought of those solutions?  If I want to be a better person, why don't I just follow their advice and quit doing all of the things that contribute to my unhappiness?  I know! I know!  Call on me!!!!!!!!  Because it is flippin' hard - especially if you want to make a lot of changes at once.  And I don't have the time, the support, nor the money to take a two week break to attend a retreat or a treatment center where more "experts" will just hand me the solution. 

On my dark days, I like to imagine that these people have mothers who never say they are proud of them, teenagers that detest being in the same room with them, co-workers who think they are narcissistic and snotty, and maybe a neighbor who steals their paper every morning just because.  And I hope they feel like hypocrites when they get to work and profess that happiness is attainable and sustainable no matter your circumstances. 

Reflection:
Today didn't go as planned, although I did cut something out.  I cut the meat out of the meal I had planned for dinner.  When I looked at what I was making, I realized it actually had quite a bit of protein in it without the chicken.  (Beans and Rice with tomatoes, cumin, garlic, and other spices served as a stew with green onions, sour cream, tortillas, chunky salsa, and fresh avocado)  So I cut out the chicken.  Starting to work on the "habit" I have of including so much meat in my diet.  While I am not at all interested in being vegetarian, I am willing to continue looking for ways to reduce or eliminate meat in a few meals every week. 

Day 3: Drink in the Day

Today's goal is specifically intended to be a simple step towards making healthier food choices, but you could probably stretch it to fit in with any goal - if you are creative enough.  

Drink a glass of water instead.

For me, this means: drink a glass of water instead of having an unnecessary snack.  Or it could mean: drink a glass of water instead of a can of soda; instead of having milk with dinner, instead of eyeballing the couch for a quick nap.  

I could also morph it into a replacement for some other habits.  Drink a glass of water instead of looking around the house and finding reasons to be upset, unhappy, or feel unfulfilled.  Drink a glass of water while I sort through the pile of mail that is growing by the door and get rid of the junk I don't need.  Drink a glass of water while I talk to my kid/spouse/friend/neighbor/coworker about their day.  Sit down and drink a glass of water instead of rushing around doing things for other people - hold still and give myself just enough of a break to drink my water and gather my thoughts.  

Reflection:

I really don't drink much besides water; a little coffee in the morning, the occasional diet pepsi, and sometimes even a beer.  In fact, I consume a half gallon of water or more almost everyday.  I am definitely well-hydrated.  The step was to drink a glass of water instead of doing something else.  I really wanted a bowl of popcorn last night.  REALLY.  Alas, it was pointed out to me that I had already eaten dinner and had an amazing orange (there is no chocolate in the house right now).  Perhaps also having a bowl of popcorn right before I went to bed was just too much.  I struggled.  I came up with excuses.  I even got up to make the popcorn.  I caught sight of my simple steps sign (yes, I added one to my fridge after all) and decided to have a glass of water instead.  Good decision - although I did have to get up three times during the night.